New News
by authour2020
Summary: Episode 1 "Pilot"- The series launches off with Ulysses Peter Smith aka: UPS being his silly self, but once in detention on the first day of school a thought pops up that could chance the school. HALARIOUS COMADEY OF BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF! FRESH WRITING!


New News Episode 1

PILOT

PILOT

CREATED BY RYAN CASSADY

(A principles office is shown)

(A Mexican man is shown sitting at his desk, his eyes rolling and looking at the clock)

(Ulysses enters the room)

Principle

Your late mister Ulysses

Ulysses

Call me UPS

Principle

If you don't shut up you will become one

Ulysses

No, no my middle name Is Peter and last name smith and of course my first name is Ulysses, so bring it together and what do you get…

(Looking anxiously at the principle)

Principle

Say one word and you get more time on your detention mister Smith.

(Ulysses is bursting with laughter)

Ulysses

One word!

(Principle looks at him with a ridicule face)

Principle

Let's see do you want to have another detention

Ulysses

I don't see what I did wrong

Principle

You commented about everyone with problems in this school…now do you think that is bad?

(Principle looking mad)

Ulysses

Sir, I would love to use my life line!

Principle

Is this all some kind of joke?

Ulysses

No, but if you want it to be, man this could be fun!

Principle

I feel bad for your teachers

Ulysses

Same here, they all smell like lily pads!

(Principle with a hair rising expression)

Principle

That's it I'm calling your teacher to get in here

Ulysses

If you don't believe me about the lily pads thing you should…

(Gets interrupted)

Principle

If you think I'm sending your teacher in here to smell her!

Ulysses

What else would you be sending her in for, giving me a punishment?

(Ulysses says sarcastically)

(Principle has a stern face)

Ulysses

Please no…I'll let you call me UPS!

(Ulysses says with a puppy face)

Principle

On that note…NO!

Ulysses

Aw man!

(Theme song)

So there was this boy, who looked good,

YEAH,

Who didn't like school but understood,

Yeah!

He enjoyed laughing, and making fun,

Yeah,

Jokes and all under the sun,

Then he stumbled across an idea,

That he would make a paper idle,

He made the news

The new news,

He made the new news,

He made new news,

YEAH!

He had helper's, who had lots of fun,

But he didn't know it would be a success.

Because he made the news,

The new, new news!

Ulysses

What you saw earlier was just a little glimpse of today, I'll start from the beginning the very beginning.

(The screen centers on a boy waking up and his alarm clock going off)

Ulysses

Mom, what day is it today?

Mom

The first day of school!

Ulysses

Psh… you're not joking, mom please be joking!

Mom

What is so bad about school!

Ulysses

You have no idea don't you!

Mom

Well…

Ulysses

See!

Mom=

Get up…I made you pan cakes!

Ulysses

No way!

Mom

Hurry before they start getting cold!

Ulysses

Okay!

(Ulysses gets dressed very fast and runs down the stairs and enters the kitchen)

Mom

Do you want syrup?

Ulysses

No thanks!

Mom

Why?

Ulysses

I want to embrace the natural.

(They both share a laugh)

(His mom rubs his head)

Mom

You are one funny kid UPS!

Ulysses

I try

Lisa

Mom wears my mini skirt

Ulysses

Why do you want to impress Tommy Giggle?

(Ulysses laughs silently)

Lisa

Shut up Ul-gly

Ulysses

Oh I'm sorry Lisa… did I offend you?

Lisa

Offend me… more like embarrassing me

Ulysses

Oh, then I did my job!

Lisa

Yeah, but you failed!

Ulysses

To me I aced it!

Lisa

Ha-ha right, that's the first thing you ever aced!

Ulysses

What's with all the compliments!

Mom

Okay you to, get off to school!

Lisa

Yep!

Ulysses

See you latter

Lisa

Same goes for you!

Ulysses

I wasn't talking to you. Bye mom!

Lisa

You bother me!

Ulysses

I know that, silly goose!

(Ulysses then walks to school and runs into his friends at the corner.)

Jenny

Hey UPS

Ulysses

Hey, where's Jimmy?

Jenny

If your meaning my twin…go jump in a lake, he never wants to walk with me and

Kyle

Hola

Ulysses

Hey Kyle what's up?

Kyle

Same old, same old!

(Kyle starts running)

Jenny

What are you doing?

Kyle

Burning off the fat of summer!

Ulysses

You will get to school faster!

Kyle

You have me tied down their!

Jenny

I heard there is a new girl coming this year!

Kyle

Cool, we should be friends with her!

Ulysses

Are you crushing on her when you haven't even seen her!

Kyle

Now why would I do that!

Ulysses

Then I call her!  
Kyle

NO!

Ulysses

Told ya!

Kyle

Fine

Jenny

Enough boy talk! Let's talk girl talk!

(Kyle and UPS stare at each other)

Ulysses

Hey Kyle still want to run?

Kyle

How'd ya know?

Ulysses

Cause I'm !

Jenny

Boys!

Ulysses

Ready, set, go!

(The boys race off and Jenny tags along, but on a more jogging pace)

(They finally reach the school with wide eyes)

Kyle

Guess this is it

Ulysses

I say!

Jenny

Wow you guys are fast

Ulysses

I know don't wear it ow, who is that young chick over at one o'clock

Jenny

That's the new girl, her name is Nicole Samberg also known as ruler of Jeniveve High!

Kyle

Why did she switch

Jenny

No one really knows!

Ulysses

How do you know all this?

Jenny

Maybe if you would have listened to my girl talk I would have told you, but now it's my turn to run!

Ulysses

Fine, go off, be a girl, I'll be here, oh what the heck, come on tell me Jenny!

Kyle

Is it just me or is this girl incredibly beautiful

Ulysses

Good thing I called her!

Kyle

Not so fast, I called her!

Ulysses

No I did!

Jimmy

No one gets her, but me!

Kyle

Hey Jimmy Bro

Jimmy

Don't talk to me!

Ulysses

Fine, why do you get her?

Jimmy

Because we're all ready dating!

Kyle

There goes my chance

(Nicole walks over)

Nicole

Hey boys, what's crakalakin?

Ulysses

Hi I'm UPS!

Nicole

Hi, I'm taken!

(Kyle drools)

Kyle

How did you know I was into you?

Nicole

You're drooling!

Ulysses

Way to play it smooth

Nicole

Salvia is gross so I'm going to leave…oh my it's like a waterfall!

Jimmy

Ha-ha you guys are so pathetic, especially you waterfall!

Ulysses

Go away Jimmy!

Kyle

Was it really that bad?

Ulysses

Pretty much!

Kyle

Waterfall?

Ulysses

Like Niagara Falls, no serious if I got any closer to you, I would have slipped on the puddle you were making!

Kyle

PUDDLE!

Ulysses

Now we know how the five great lakes started.

Kyle

You are so mean

Ulysses

Let me correct you funny, Mr. drooling!

Kyle

I'm not drooling again am I?

Ulysses

Maybe in your dreams!

Kyle

Oh boy!

(They go to their classrooms and they go to their seat)

(An Asian boy is sitting next to Ulysses)

Asian boy

Aren't you just so pumped!

Ulysses

Oh yeah, I mean it's going to raise the roof! Uh-huh!

Asian

Huh?

Ulysses

You know we're going to pump up the party and party till we drop, BOOM!

Asian

What?

Ulysses

Let me dictionize it! It's going to be mighty fun yall! (Laughs) I crake myself up

Asian

I still really am confused

Ulysses

HUUU, its going to be so fun!

Asian

I know right!

Ulysses

I was kidding!

Asian

Do you not like school?

Ulysses

Who does!

Asian

So not me, did I do a good job at making it teen like? A-A?

Ulysses

No, it's more like, school is for nwebs!

Asian

School is for dwebs!

Ulysses

You're getting it, but you got to style the motion! Rarer!

Asian

In getting this…DUR!

Ulysses

You graduated already, I am so proud of you, hold on, (cries)

Asian

Are you alright?

Ulysses

Oh psh yeah, it's not every day you run into a guys like you!

Mr. Smith

Good morning class! How are you guys.

Ulysses

Same old same old, embarrassed that we go to a school so lame! Like we got to make a point and make so amazing that we got to style it like a crazed monkey going burzirk over a banana!

(Class laughs)

Mr. Smith

Don't behave like that Mr. Ulysses!

Ulysses

Rarer, don't get so fiest on me so quick, I mean don't you want me to embarrass my full potential and slap that elephants thigh so hard that it breaks only of its skin caps!

Mr. Smith

Do you want to go to the principal's office today?

Ulysses

No, but I'll call him latter, you know just to be polite!

Mr. Smith

Is this some kind of joke?

Ulysses

Absolutely not, I mean it could be so fun if it were, I would bust up the funny scale, seriously I would weigh so much, that a dinosaur couldn't eat me whole, but I'm sure you could! Seriously how much do you weigh, 180, tons!

Mr. Smith

Go to the principal's office!

Ulysses

Snap, snap, snap, you did not just say that!

Mr. Smith

Oh yes I did!

Ulysses

Then you better watch because this UPS will not stand for that kind of behavior, just because I stated a fact, doesn't mean the principle has to get involved. And to tell you the truth, your boxers do not match with that outfit!

Mr. Smith

How do you know?

Ulysses

How do you think I know laser eyes?

Mr. Smith

No such thing!

Ulysses

Oh yes there is!

Mr. Smith

No their isn't!

Ulysses

Are you challenging me!

Asian

Are you challenging him?

Ulysses

Sit down, you forkstick!

Asian

Okay, I'm gunna sit till I desire

Ulysses

That's my boy, and I'm super proud of him!

Mr. Smith

Would you two sit down!

Ulysses

Only if you tell me I'm right!

Asian

Yeah!

Ulysses

What did I tell you!

Mr. Smith

Go to the principal's office!

Ulysses

Maybe I will, cause ill learn something their!

Mr. Smith

I haven't taught anyone anything yet!

Ulysses

My point stated!

Mr. Smith

Now!

Ulysses

Okay, oh yeah, call me UPS!  
Mr. Smith

No!

Ulysses

Oh brother!

(Ulysses walks down the hall to the principal's office)

(A principles office is shown)

(A Mexican man is shown sitting at his desk, his eyes rolling and looking at the clock)

(Ulysses enters the room)

Principle

Your late mister Ulysses

Ulysses

Call me UPS

Principle

If you don't shut up you will become one

Ulysses

No, no my middle name Is Peter and last name smith and of course my first name is Ulysses, so bring it together and what do you get…

(Looking anxiously at the principle)

Principle

Say one word and you get more time on your detention mister Smith.

(Ulysses is bursting with laughter)

Ulysses

One word!

(Principle looks at him with a ridicule face)

Principle

Let's see do you want to have another detention

Ulysses

I don't see what I did wrong

Principle

You commented about everyone with problems in this school…now do you think that is bad?

(Principle looking mad)

Ulysses

Sir, I would love to use my life line!

Principle

Is this all some kind of joke?

Ulysses

No, but if you want it to be, man this could be fun!

Principle

I feel bad for your teachers

Ulysses

Same here, they all smell like lily pads!

(Principle with a hair rising expression)

Principle

That's it I'm calling your teacher to get in here

Ulysses

If you don't believe me about the lily pads thing you should…

(Gets interrupted)

Principle

If you think I'm sending your teacher in here to smell her!

Ulysses

What else would you be sending her in for, giving me a punishment?

(Ulysses says sarcastically)

(Principle has a stern face)

Ulysses

Please no…I'll let you call me UPS!

(Ulysses says with a puppy face)

Principle

On that note…NO!

Ulysses

Aw man!

Principle

Detention

Ulysses

Were you expecting me?

Principle

What principle in the entire universe wouldn't!

Ulysses

Good point! What are you doing?

Principle

Dialing your mother!

Ulysses

Please call her my fish

Principle

What?

Ulysses

Because I'm a penguin and I like to waddle around and she's my prey!

Principle

You're not a penguin!

Ulysses

I guess you right; I'm quarter in a half penguin!

Principle

That's why you always where black and white!

Ulysses

You're catching on!

Principle

Oh what am I doing?

Ulysses

Do I have to repeat myself!

Principle

Hello, Its Principle Franklin here at Copter grade school I'm here with Ulysses, yes no harm but, no illegal stuff, no, no, no, yes, what, no, no, no, yes, why, when, what, fine, goodbye!

Ulysses

I never knew you kept your brain at 1st grade!

Principle

If you don't be quite ill have to send you their!

Ulysses

I'll be quite now!

Principle

Yes you will! You're going to Mrs. Clock's room for detention today, hope you enjoy it!

Ulysses

Better than first grade!

Principle

Yep, here's a note, give it to her, and do whatever but talk!

Ulysses

Will do

(Exits with note) (Gets to the room)

Mrs. Clock

Hello UPS!

Ulysses

I'm in trouble!

Mrs. Clock

Oh dear what happened!

Ulysses

Mr. Principle gave me a detention

Mrs. Clock

Now, now, for the time being I'll give you some crayons and a piece of paper, do something with it.

(Ulysses sits down with the paper and crayons)

UPS

What should I do with this?

UPS

What do people need in this grade?

That Asian kid had no idea what I was talking about, this grade needs some laughs. Hmm. A newspaper! Yeah! It could list all the drama, comics, advertisements, this could be great. Let me start with the first article; let's talk about the new girl Nicole! As some of you may have known…wait a sec this isn't right, I got to make the story more our age, more outrages, more me! "This morning me and my friends journeyed our way to school by hanging on vines, whipping ourselves through trees, our tippy toes ran through the brisk cold water, filled with angry animals. Soon we came to a lift and met a girl named Nicole, she was hott! Soon I and Kyle were under the water of Drool, full of yucky chewed up food." Then I realized that this newspaper could be daily and every day I can make one of the days before but transform it into an adventure series. Soon I realized I had taken 10 pages of the paper to write about my summer, comics, advertisements, articles, and of course the adventure of me.

Mrs. Clock

Okay UPS it's time for you to go!

Ulysses

Thanks for the paper!

Mrs. Clock

Aw, don't mention it!

(He runs into Jenny)

Jenny

Hey you walking home

Ulysses

Yep, I made a newspaper in detention called UPS and the slogan is NEW NEWS!

Jenny

Clever, why were you in detention!

Ulysses

Read all about it in tomorrow's UPS newspaper, new news!

Jenny

Alright! Let's walk home!

Ulysses

Let's wait for Kyle.

Jenny

You didn't hear!

Ulysses

What?

Jenny

Do you need more staff on the newspaper because Kyle's story has to be told!

Ulysses

I don't have staff, here come to my house and explain the story, but to tell you the truth, I do add a little me into the story!

Jenny

How bad can it be!

(At Ulysses house in his room)

You describe me as a duck?

Ulysses

Sorry only animal that describes you

Jenny

The Asian kid is better than me, hes a koala bear!

Ulysses

I'm a penguin

Jenny

Kyle's a leopard.

Ulysses

That drools!

Jenny

I got to admit this is creative

Nicole a swan and I am the ugly duckling!

Ulysses

Ohh, jealous!

Jenny

No! Can I make a story tomorrow on a different subject?

Ulysses

Sure! Like what?

Jenny

Twisted fairytales staring our entire grade?

Ulysses

You read my mind!

Jenny

I know

Ulysses

What's your first story going to be about?

Jenny

A girl named Cindy is adopted, she loses her laptop at the ball, and the boy who dances with her finds it and wants to know who she is!

Ulysses

Pretty cool who are the people in the grade gunna play?

Jenny

I'm gunna be Cindy, you're going to be the prince, and Mr. Franklin is going to be the stalker!

Ulysses

What?

Jenny

You'll find out! Look I got to go; I'll give you the paper tomorrow!

UPS

SO THEIR YOU HAVE IT A BONDING FRIENDSHIP, A DROOLING LEAPORD, A PRETTY SWAN, AND OF COURSE A THREE QUARTER IN A HALF PENQUIN, CAN IT GET ANY BETTER THEN THIS?

Credits


End file.
